5 Easy Ways to Make Men Smile

[hardcore]

i was originally offered this story but then the editor said i couldn't count Right Breast, Left Breast, Right Buttock, Left Buttock, Vagina as my 5 different "Easy Smile Makers"...

via Yahoo! / Glamour
oh god, the internet tricked me into reading something from a chick magazine again. dammit. i feel like i have to go douche my eyeballs now.

#1: Touch His Arm
It always surprises me, and it's always great.

yeah. touch my "arm".

the "arm" between my legs! right, guys? you know what i'm talking about.
i'm talking about my penis.


#2: Send Him a Random Text Message in Midday.
Nothing breaks the monotony of a long workday like a flirty note

sweet. i love getting interrupted while i'm trying to look at porn just so you can say "U R SO SEXY!!! XOXOXO -M"

honestly anytime we get one of those "HEY I WANT YOU RIGHT NOW" notes, we either immediately think
a) sure, you want me... to do some stupid bullshit after work that i do not want to do
b) great, what the fuck did she do now? i bet her dog shit in my mitt again. i'm going to kill it.
c) man, i hope this isn't one of those weird female emotional things that makes 'em all crazy and now she's crying hysterically in the bathroom for no goddamn reason.

so, anytime i get The Random Text Message - i do not smile - my first instinct is Throw the phone out the window and go to Dan's so you can play Left 4 Dead.

#3: Ask Him a Question About Something He Knows a Lot About
Ask him about fishing, the 1983 Chicago White Sox... -- whatever he's into. Just remember to nod frequently and look really interested.

"Honey"
"yes, dear?"
"How was Deadpool able to retract an entire sword into his arms and still be able to bend his elbows?"
"he - wait a minute - you hate that shit, why are you asking me about this now?"
/nodding "I'm giving you an ego boost" /looking interested
"fuck off. and i swear to god, if i see your dog get anywhere near my mitt again, i'm going to let a Mexican cough all over him."

#4: Give Him a Very Specific Compliment
Something like "I love the way your face scrunches up when you're doing the crossword puzzle" or "You have the most manly calves I've ever seen."

"Jake, I love the way your face scrunches up after you eat Indian food!"
"...huh?"
"I'm giving you specific little compliments to feed your ego."
"i don't really care what you think, i've already boned you."

#5: Send Him the Diary Entry You Wrote After Your First Date -- or Write One Now
a sanctioned peek into the documented thoughts of someone I care about.

"hello, 9-1-1? yeah, my girlfriend just gave me a diary entry... no, she's a grown women... yeah, that's what i'm afraid of- she's probably going to kill me and wear my face as a mask now. ...alright, please send help, i'm scared."

[Breeze]

I read this as "5 Easy Ways to Make Men Senile", and couldn't imagine what you could possibly be going for...

Breeze need reading glasses.

[Buck Dagby II]

This is a great commentary. It should be at the new Yuku Puckys.